Am I finished?

God loves those kids more than you do baby”

Those words were spoken to me at a conference at the beginning of the summer. I was days away from having to cancel our next trip to Uganda. Since returning from Uganda for the first time, I’ve wanted nothing more to return. I was supposed to have my chance this summer—supposed to.

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Then life happened. One by one my team members dropped out. We went from 12 to 7 to 5 to 4, 3, and finally, at 2 I pulled the plug. It was also incredibly difficult to get funding for this trip and then there was an Ebola scare. All the signs were screaming at me to cancel, but I’m too stubborn to listen.

I had this insane thought that it was all on my shoulders. If I couldn’t make it work then I couldn’t get medicine to those kids and those kids were going to get sick and drop out of school and it’s all because I couldn’t make it work, so I had to make it work. I was overwhelmed. The pressure I was putting myself under was too much.

That’s when I was told those words. I didn’t want to hear them. They were a pill I refused to swallow. Somewhere in my head, I knew that God loved those kids, but didn’t He put the burden on me to provide for them? Wasn’t it my responsibility?? I canceled the trip and felt like a failure.  I couldn’t even get funding, something that is my literal job, to save these kids. Now who knew what was going to happen to them because I’m a colossal failure.

The summer continued on and more and more things kept happening to me to cement my belief that I was done. I was nothing more than a used up failure. God was obviously done with me. I was allowed to be a part of something new, the start of something great and, because of my obedience, I was rewarded with the desire of my heart– to go to Uganda. Now I was just done.

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Does anyone else hear how insane this all sounds?!? Now, on the other side of it, I hear it too. However, then, it all made sense to me. I spent the summer avoiding God because I didn’t want to hear Him confirm what I already knew—I had outlived my usefulness. However, I still had my two weeks off work and I decided to do something I never do, I went on vacation.

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(Photo: Depoe Bay, Oregon) I spent that two weeks trying to fall back in love with God and I realized something. God never told me He was done with me. He never said I was used up, He never called me a failure. He has called me loved, redeemed, His child, and beautiful but never a failure. I spend the two weeks I was supposed to be in Uganda learning to love God again and being reminded that God has not finished with me yet. If it was time to come home, He would have called me, but I still have breath in my lungs and He’s not done with me.

You’re probably thinking “That’s great Krys, but why is this a MAMO post?” Because a big part of this season has been learning that I’m not alone. God has allowed me to be a part of an amazing team. We each have our own talents and ideas that create the team that runs MAMO. We each contribute something different and work together to provide for the children of Uganda. We are also more than a board, we have become a family. When I go to the hospital (it’s common, read other posts) they are among the first that I tell. When I need a friend to listen and give me advice I know I can go to them. If I have a prayer request or praise I know I can run to them and will be met with love. It’s not all on me, I have a team who is just as willing to serve as I am.

God reminded me in those two weeks that it was Him who brought us together and it’s Him who will carry us through. God’s not done with me and he’s not done with MAMO.

Krys Brown, Treasurer

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